Things that are Wrong

The long awaited, never abated, list: Things that are Wrong with Scotland.

(in no particular order…)

1)    What the eff is a zed. “Now if you have questions about x y or zed…” THAT IS NOT A LETTER IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. ASSIMILATE, SCOTS.

2)    Speaking of zed, DO YOU EVEN USE IT? I don’t mean to critisise, but I have recognised and realised some effing TYPOS in this place.

3)    Ambulances are small. Like, the size of Frank Pinto’s prius. HOW IS MY DYING CARCASS SUPPOSED TO FIT IN YOUR FUEL EFFICIENT VEHICLE, SCOTLAND!? LETS PRIORITIZE (prioritise) HERE

4)    They don’t refrigerate eggs. I went to the supermarket and found the eggs just chillin next to the bread and cookies and stuff, so I promptly asked a salesman where the refrigerated eggs were. He pointed to the temperate eggs and said “those are the eggs.”. ROOD. MY EGGS ARE TEPID AND IM SENSING SALMONELLA SETTING IN.

5)    There are CALORIES in DIET things. Like, COKE ZERO IS NOT CALLED COKE 2.5, SO WHAT THE EFF ARE THOSE 2.5 CALORIES DOING IN MY COKE ZERO.

6)    Apparently they don’t have a law here that says you can’t hit pedestrians. I learned the hard way that a horn does not mean “I am angry at the person who just cut me off,” it means “get the eff out the road you dumbass American because I have NO QUALMS about running over your shoe as you lift your foot up to move it out of my treacherous path, pardon the skid marks.”

7)    The refrigerators are retardedly small, leading to intense drawer controversy in our 12 person flat

8)    The sink situation is also retarded. Upgrade to the single faucet, folks.

9)    When we do have the luxury that is toilet paper, it is sold in weird colors, ie yellow and pink. Which makes me think I’m either severely dehydrated or bleeding. This is one arena in which I do not wish to see Easter pastels, thank you very much.

10)  The gym smells bad.

11) People work out in Polo shirts and toms. Like, are you headed to a Dave Matthews concert directly upon disembarking from that elliptical? Get OUTTA here. The other day I saw a girl working out in a lacey negligee with bare feet. I’m sorry you chose to stop at the gym on your walk of shame? WHERE AM I

12)  They sell porn and vodka in the student center (I don’t know if this should actually go on the “things that are right with Scotland” list)

13) Too much enthusiasm for drinking, leads to casual vomiting

14) Everyone has terrible teeth (most likely a result of NBD vomiting.) I went to look for teeth whitener the other day. That is not a product they sell here. Figures. When in Rome.

15)  Is “salad cream” salad dressing or mayonnaise? I don’t want to have to buy it, but I really want to know.

16)  Elevators? Uncheck.

Honestly, how dare you. There is one lift in this whole city of course its going to get overloaded.

17) I am SO OVER seeing Miley Cirus and the cast of Glee on the front of every magazine. GET YOUR OWN CELEBRITIES

18)  In the mall, you have to pay to use the bathroom. I’ll just use the alley like everyone else, thank you very much.

19)  The soda Irn Bru is TERRIBLE. I wanted to drink it frequently so I could look like a local, but it actually tastes like dirty poison water.

20) McDonalds is TOO CROWDED! I just want to eat my Rollo McFlurry in peace!

21)  Too many bridges (not enough hoes!)

22) Do I look like I’m 17? STOP ID-ing ME.

23) Change pounds remind me of nickels so my automatic instinct is to throw them on the ground, but that’s like a dollar 60 right there. Don’t even get me STARTED on 2 pound coins. When I pay for something that is 5.50 with a 10 pound bill, I DO NOT EXPECT TO GET CHANGE BACK. STOP MESSING WITH ME.

24)  Pizza hut is fancy. Metal utensils and those fancy wooden pizza paddle things. I feel like I’m at Bertuccis!

This was a decorative bowl we found in Pizza hut... complete with lemon and a pound 20. Fancy!

25) There is an ACTUAL fancy restaurant called “pizza express.” THAT IS NOT A FANCY NAME, DECIEVING MARKETING STRATEGY

26) The sheets here are made of gauze. Neg thread count. I thought maybe that was just because I got the shitty school sheets, but Hope bought fancy sheets and they were equally gauzey but just had fancy stripes.

27) Why does normal colored vodka cost more than blue colored vodka?

28) All drinks served lukewarm

29) When I get 2 weeks worth of groceries, how DARE you ask me if I need a bag! Like, no I planned on making multiple trips back here carrying my groceries in my arms.

30) Why are jagerbombs the cheapest drink you can get (also possibly goes on the things that are right list)

31) Similarly, redbull costs less than diet coke here. Like ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK

32) A wise Scotsman once said to me the other day, “you always know an American because they wear wellies and hate waiting in queues.” Now I’m not going to even MENTION how many things are wrong with that sentence, but the people here don’t wear rainboots even though it rains CONSTANTLY. Have your shoes adapted to this moist climate? Cause mine haven’t. Also waiting in line is NOT FUN so don’t try to tell me it’s fun.

33) Nobody appreciates my fake accent, even though it’s mad good

34) Is it ever sunny?

35) STOP HAWKING LOOGIES IN MY GENERAL DIRECTION

36) Where’s the hot sauce?

37) How come when I order a burger you don’t ask me how I want it cooked, you just bring me a burned char-patty?

38) Everything about Ryanair

39) People will choose to dress up in different themes (ie, dogs) and not tell anyone why

40) Postcodes shouldn’t have an assortment of letters and numbers, it confuses me

41) What is a ‘suggested” reading? Do I do the reading or don’t I? HOLD MY HAND.

In other news...

Like, typical.

My hat it has three corners... three corners has my hat.

This is a picture of the police yelling at a homeless man to get off of the street. this made me very sad. But...

This same 'homeless man' is seen later, loading up his North Face backpack and putting on his Barbour jacket after a hard days work! Charlatan! I feel like I've been duped! You don't even have a dog!