Santas n Ghosts

Yesterday was the Great Scottish Santa Run, aka the best 3 hours of my LIFE. Reasons why it was the best:

1)    It only cost ten pounds and you got a full santa suit, beard and belt and everything! Granted it was shoddily made and the beard resulted in a lot of (probably) asbestos in my lungs, but I was pleased with my appearance. I don’t know HOW they could have made any profit for the dying children with a price that affordable!

2)    There were SO MANY ASIAN SANTAS.

3)    Due to Scotland’s incompetence at dealing with ice,* Santa “run,” became Santa “walk.”  They probably overheard my premeditated intent to sue. Upside- I didn’t even have to embarrass myself by ‘pretending’ to fall down and sprain my ankle as an excuse for coming in last, as was my original plan. huzzah!

4)    There was a group of little girls, they were maybe 8 or 10, who did this cute little Scottish dance in kilts and it was lovely, and then they went backstage for a ‘costume change’ and came out wearing these like, DIVALICIOUS tartan tube top belly shirt things and did a slutty jig to slutty bagpipe music. Like, where are your PARENTS? It’s 20 degrees out, get your kid a sweater. Who even KNEW you could DO a slutty jig? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous.

5)    A little boy who was like Bieber but with no personality sang “Are we human… or are we dancers…” Which a few clever (probably drunk) santas adapted to “Are we human, or are we santas” and I thought it was hilarious. Bieber was not pleased about the deferred attention and/or didn’t notice, he had lazy eyes so I couldn’t determine his emotion. I am going to use that song all the time now in other various forms. “Are we human… or are we hamsters…” “Are we human… or are we pandas…” The possibilities are ENDLESS.

6)    All of the little babies were SO CONFUSED by all of the imposter Santas. Like, see you in therapy, little guy.

7)    They gave everyone a medal at the end, so everyone was a winner!

In keeping with my generally pessimistic attitude, here are things that suck today.

1)    I am out of food and I REFUSE to go back to the supermarket, on some sort of principle that I made up that I forget now. I feel hungry.

2)    The cleaning people hid and/or stole my shower shoes, so I have had to shower barefoot. I can already feel the planter’s warts growing in.

3)    Also all of my dishes are filthy and I refuse to clean them because I am a DIVA and DIVAS DON’T CLEAN, but my room is starting to smell.

4)    I had to study so much useless bullshit for my archaeology exam and now I can’t forget it. Like, I no longer give an EFF about the half-life of radiocarbon, or the significance of thermoluminescence dating. CAN SOMEBODY VANQUISH THESE USELESS THOUGHTS FROM MY HEAD PLZ

5)    My ghost came back last night. I can’t be sure but I think he did.

Oh my gosh did I never tell that story to begin with?! This was an important milestone in my life.

I am not a believer in ghosts nor have I ever been, but the night before we left for Italy I woke up at 3:11 in the morning because I felt like there was someone in my room. Naturally my first thought was oh God the banshees have infiltrated once and for all, but when I opened my eyes, there was a man wearing a blue suit with some snappy lapels standing right next to my dresser. Like, HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE (I think is what I screamed, or something along those lines.) He started talking only I couldn’t hear what he was saying on account of I was wiggin out, and then he disappeared. Like, excuse me EL DIABLO, what BUSINESS do you have in Kincaid’s court. What were you EVEN SAYING. Were you telling me the secret to life, or more importantly, the secret to how to become a celebrity? Because if so I really effed up that opportunity for enlightenment with all my wiggin. Then I was so scared afterwards but I couldn’t even talk to anyone because when I was little my mother classically conditioned me to learn that if I had a nightmare I was NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES allowed to interrupt her beauty rest, so MAN UP.  Thanks a lot for THAT emotional scarring. Although perhaps it turned me into the tough broad I am today. If the ghost comes back I am going to ask him how skinni I will be in the future.

Deep thought (inspired by Annie): It should be illegal for homeless people to hang out in front of banks. It makes my moral compass go all askew. Also, homeless Gary, I see your creepin eyes, creepin all over my PIN. Please find a new place to loiter.

*they have literally been selling table salt in giant packs at tesco and like, the police come in and buy it and sprinkle it on the street. Like, shouldn’t you have that stuff STOCKPILED somewhere? Joke.

Contemplative

Literally nothing new has happened in my life, but Maggie Carter is bored at law school and Hope took her photo converter back to the states with her so I can’t make a new facebook album, so here I am.

Here are some things:

1)    I finished the Sopranos and for a few days my life had no purpose, but now I have started watching Oz. Conclusion: prison is really sucky and rapey. Something that makes me laugh is thinking about people who I know being in Oz. Mostly everyone I know would be turned into someone’s bitch, I think. Apparently that’s what happens to college-educated people who land in prison.

2)    I was supposed to go to Paris and our flight was cancelled because it snowed like 2 weeks ago. WTF.

3)    I drank fire punch and it was disgusting. It literally tasted like drinking horrible poison fire. Whose dumb idea was that to make that.

4)    I decided I want to have a Christmas party when I get home but then I counted my friends and I only have seven and one can’t even come, so it’s going to be more of an intimate Christmas gathering. I think Jesus would have liked that. YOU’RE ALL INVITED!*

5)    I recently got an email from a potential employer that says “how about we meet for drinks and we can talk about what type of work you would do here.” Like… does he KNOW I can’t legally drink? What is the PROTOCOL here? Do I brink a fayke** ID? My fayke ID says I am 30 and that I can't drive past 11pm because the pervious owner of said ID may or may not have had one too many DUI's. What if there’s a shakedown? I’ve been watching too much Oz.

6)    I’m almost out of toilet paper. The next ten days are going to be interesting.

7)    I wonder if it will be hard to transition back home. The term “chips and cheese” just rolls off the tongue so easily, what if I accidentally faux pas myself and end up with a pile of cheddar and frito lays? I’m neuuuurvous.

8)    My flight home leaves at 3 and gets in at 4:30. TwiLiGhT Z0nE!!!

9)    What am I going to do with my festive thanksgiving turkey made of pinecones? I can’t take him home with me, but I can’t just LEAVE him here to be eaten by vultures. Something to ponder.

10) Laundry detergent here comes in tiny little pods and I am going to have like 6 left and I can’t WAIT to squeeze them and step on them and make a big mess! WHO’S THE BANSHEE NOW!?!

*invite is contingent upon the fact that you bring some sort of delicious holiday treat, and that you’re not my mahm, or someone with a communicable disease.
**irony of faykely spelling fayke

Attack of the Irish snow banshees

The other day I learned that mincemeat is actually fruit. Like, get outta town! That’s ridiculous.

Currently there is an Edinblizzard going on outside. Scotland is so GD inefficient. It has snowed like, maybe 3 inches here, and the whole airport shut down and none of the buses or trains are running, and they closed the library. Like, I’m sorry, are these the DARK AGES? Has the snow-plow not yet reached this country? This isn’t the APOCOLYPSE, Scotland. Get it together.

Something horrible that I learned this weekend when Lena and I went on our honeymoon to Ireland is that snow + banshees= UBERBANSHEES!! Honestly, kill me now. If I have to see one more giant snow penis I’m going to kill someone. GROW UP.

Irish banshees are working on a whole new level. Lena and I were walking down this side street in Dublin that was seemingly abandoned, when a group of 12 year old gingers crossed our paths. Naturally I thought oh how cute, little Irish leprechaun boys frolicking in the snow. AU CONTRAIRE. As soon as we passed them they started chucking snowballs at us. I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even think of a biting and witty retort*, so I just scoffed, at which point they started pointing and laughing at us. Then I flipped them the bird. (was it wrong to flip off a group of 12 year old banshees? JUDGE ME.) Now apparently the leprechaun banshees were not too pleased by the bird, because as soon as we turned around one of them threw a chunk of ice at Lena’s head. Like… I’M SUING. I’M SUING THIS WHOLE GODDAMN CONTINENT.  Lena was ALL confused, probably because she was CONCUSSED, and when we turn around to see what had happened, they are RUNNING at us. As I learned from the drunk charging rhino girl back in the fall, my instinct says flight, not fight. But like, REALLY, leprechaun banshees? What were you going to DO if you caught us? Tickle us? Force feed us lucky charms? Get OUTTA here.

*These are things I should have said:

1) Nice snowball. Where’d ya find it? THE END OF THE RAINBOW?!

2) I-rish I had a million dollars, so I could buy a private jet and fly away from you!! Because you’re the worst!!

3) Why are you so cel-ticked off? Is it because you still wear diapers?!

4) I went to the Guinness factory today and you won’t be able to drink Guinness for like 10 years!! Get a clue, spy guy!!!

Etcetera, etcetera… 

Emily vs. the Vegetarians

I asked Annie to send me her notes from Archaeology... this is what she sent me.

Notes for nov 23

Try to interpret ditches

Gordon childe spoke about them

5000 BC

begins somewhere around modern hungary

spreads extremely into the something basin

hard to identify what is spreading

what perhaps happened was that there was movement, as well as merging between h-g and farmers

moving, leapfrogging

Cheese products were important?

11 meters thick

concentrations of sites with houses, only one cemetery at niedermerz

villages have very large houses some of them dsfhasdklhfsld

100 hectares in extents

very first domestic structure excavated on that site

longitudinal pits I don’t get it skdjhafksdl

granneries, then idea was abandoned

now houses

no floors

artistic imagination

long houses

doors point north (south to north) btu no firm evidence

note density

post holes

rituals

stylicized

central Europe not very well endowed with flints

tremendous variety

exchanges are results rather than ultimate goals

not only trade

usually individual in crouched formation

interesting/scary about LBK

not that many women

not childbearing 

people massacred, hit on the head with implements AH!

Possibly a skirmish

Atleast 4 people who were from black forest, visiting

Unfortunately got caught up

Different segments of human remains

Mach mach larger number – human remains

Treated same way as animal remains

They are effectively BUTCHERED oh no!

People coming from quite long distances

extraordinary find!

period at which strange thigns are happening, people from very long distances were sacrificed in weird way, bodies were treated like animals

cannibalism? I don’t think that’s what the lecturer had in mind.

Like..... WHAT?! Could we have some CONTEXT here Annie?! My personal favorites are "cheese products were important?" and "Possibly a skirmish."

I will say though, all my notes from that day say are "THIS IS SO GODDAMN BORING. ASK ANNIE TO SEND YOU HER NOTES LATER." So much for that idea.

In our tutorial for this class the other day, I got into a bit of a skirmish myself. If I may provide some context, our tutorial is led by a jolly man from Ohio named Riley. Notable facts about Riley:

1) he may or may not have a child (thank you, facebook)

2) his feet are very flat and it is distracting

3) he has extremely prominent jowls*, like so

So the other day our class was supposed to be about environmental archaeology, but we actually ended up talking about being vegetarian or not. Thus ensued the skirmish. The conversation went a little bit like this:

Gary: I think everyone should be a vegetarian

Emily: I like eating bacon.

Gary's 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! HAVE YOU NO SOUL?!?!

MY natural assumption was that "bacon" was a slang term for "orphaned African babies" or something, but when I went on to explain that I also love hot diggity dogs and hamburgers and almost anything you can get at McDonalds except the McFish they were equally outraged! And thus ensued what I retrospectively call "Emily vs. the Vegetarians." I quickly deduced that EVERY person in my class was a vegetarian, and as an honest meat- eating American I decided I had to defend my country's honor by making up facts and statistics about the meat industry. So then it went something like this:

Emily: It is a well known fact that it is much less expensive to eat meat, so it is easier to feed the homeless and starving population!

Gary: You blatantly made that up. Anybody who's ever been in a supermarket could tell you that's not true.

Emily: Yeah, well the carbon emissions from producing meat shmamahaams.... 

Gary 2: You mumbled a little bit at the end there but I have a feeling that whatever you were trying to say is entirely false.

Emily: Yeah well, your country sucks!

Gary 3: Get out of here.

Emily: GOD BLESS TEXAS

*Annie just did a google search for "human gobblers"

Whipit Good

So a legitimate problem I have been having lately is that I am getting my real life confused with my reality TV life. Like the other night we were walking past this really seedy looking bar called “Space,” and I was like OMG WE HAVE TO GO TO SPACE MY FRIEND TOLD ME IT’S LIKE THE BEST CLUB EV3R, AND THEN SHE ATE A PICKLE… and not until I looked inside to see a bunch of toothless old men drowning their sorrows and shedding their lonely tears did I remember that oops, my “friends” who told me that Space was a cool bar were the cast of Jersey Shore. “Space Miami” clearly didn’t do too well on the continental leap.

So when Terf visited the other weekend, her friend took us to a party with REAL Scottish people! What a novel idea! So we walk into this party and everyone is inhaling from these balloons they have in their hands, and my first reaction is obviously ‘omg lawlz sing the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas song,’ but then I slowly but surely come to realize that all of these people are doing WHIPITS. Like, the only way I even knew how to IDENTIFY a whipit was because I’ve seen The Basketball Diaries starring Leo DiCaprio and Marky Mark Wahberg, and also because I went to a MoNsr3R JaM concert once in the 7^th grade. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m not straight edge, I’ve had nitrous oxide before… at the DENTIST. Then I started getting real nervous that somebody was going to barf on me (because that’s what happens after they do whipits in the Basketball Diaries so probably that’s what always happens) so I called a cab off of my blackberry (that phone call probably cost like 12 pounds… sarry mahm) and went home alone. But this got me thinking… I mean I’m no expert on the drug scene believe you me, but even in the US aren’t whipits like, the thing poor people do in abandoned parking lots with cans of cheese whiz to forget about their crack babies and second mortgages? Who knew they were a real recreational drug? (… slash did everyone know except me?) All I know is, when I had laughing gas that time I got my wizzies out, I thought I was a bunny rabbit. Bunny rabbits have many natural predators, and I HATE CARROTS!! I don’t want to go back there again.

Another thing I noticed that I want to put on the things that are wrong list, is that seeing as I have gained xxx kilos while I've been here (Kilos are more than pounds- add that to the things that are wrong list too) I have naturally been looking for a quick and easy way to get skinni. (I like spelling skinni with an i- it makes the whole word look skinnier ya know?) They don't SELL them here. There's no trimspa, there's no hoodia, there's no acai to be found. Is this a sick joke? Am I actually supposed to stop eating late night chips and cheese and fried mars bars and start exercising? No THANK you, operation skinnijeans will commence when I'm back in the land of quick fixes.

Also, to follow up on last week's post, for your viewing (and listening, and possibly purchasing?) pleasure, I give you Scottish Culture Gary. For a mere 11 pound 50, you can simultaneously stimulate the Scottish economy and pay homage to the pied piper himself. And doesn't he look majestic in that pic? 


http://www.garywest.co.uk/

Calm Down, Garys

So lately all of the Gary’s have been playing bagpipe music in my classes. I mean I can kind of understand it in my Scottish Culture class, but Social Work? Really, Social Work Gary? How is this applicable? One funny thing that happened though was in my Scottish Culture class the other day, Scottish Culture Gary subtly put on some background bagpipe music (which, in and unto itself is an oxymoron), and then CASUALLY said something like “oh, hey kids. What uh, what do ya think of that there bagpipe tune?” And right as I was about to exclaim WELL ACTUALLY NOW THAT YA ASK GARY MY EARS SEEM TO BE BLEEDING he goes on to say “that uh, that there is me playin the bagpipes. Yuuuup. Yup that’s me. You can uh, buy my CD at the bookstore if you want.” Like, REALLY SCOTTISH CULTURE GARY. Are you really peddling your bagpipe CD during school hours? Times must be tough at the Gary household. Another thing I learned in my Scottish Culture class that day: you know that girl in class who always looks like she’s taking really diligent notes on her laptop? Well she’s not. She’s looking at pictures of camels.

Going to my classes here MAKES ME STUPIDER. (Something I just thought of- Did any of you read those books "the stupids" when you were little? About a stupid family that does stupid things? I remember there was one called The Stupids Die. Like REALLY MOM AND DAD, WTF. YOU COULDN'T HAVE JUST BOUGHT ME ANOTHER ARTHUR BOOK?!). Everyone is so stupid and I just feel like I’m getting stupider by osmosis. Isn’t this supposed to be a GOOD school? Like, the other day in one of my tutorials somebody said “I think one way to get rid of the growing drug problem is to sterilize everyone who is addicted to drugs.” And everyone NODDED like that was a GOOD IDEA. Like, THEY'VE DONE THAT BEFORE, PEOPLE. AND BY “THEY,” I MEAN THE NAZIS. I didn’t even start on the eugenics-racial-cleansing-this-is-the-21^st-centuary-you-barbaric-asshole tirade that was stewing inside of me, but instead scoffed loudly and made a “WTF” face so I looked like a *disinterested angsty punk student, of which there are many here in Scotland so nothing new there. Social Work Gary asked my class yesterday if we all knew what the word “spoiled” meant. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

Besides that though, life’s been good. We discovered hard cider the other day (which looks like beer but tastes like juice, pleasant surprise!) and also I discovered the most amazing website of all time, called www.edinburghschristmas.com. Please visit the section about the giant Scottish Santa Run- I think that will be the best ten pounds I'll spend in my entire trip here (besides the hairbrush that I bought which looks like a person.)


*A bbm from Frank Pinto:
"Hey Em, read the latest blog post.  The word disinterested means impartial, not uninterested. It is one of the most misused words in the English language. Love Dad."
This school IS making me stupider!! Also Dad, I'm so glad you're concerned with my grammar and not with the shoddy excuse for an education I'm getting over here. Go panthers!!

Mafia.

So we went to Rome this past weekend. I literally thought every single man I met was in the mafia. Like I was constantly really nervous and pretty much said outright a few times I HATE THE POLICE AND HAVE NO AFFILIATION WITH THEM, I SUPPORT ORGANIZED CRIME and it wasn’t until the last day that I realized no, every man is not in the mafia, they’re all just Italians. Waddup, racial profiling. I have been watching too much Sopranos.

Another thing I noticed in Rome is that whenever we took the bus, it was always like, 2/3 full of little old ladies. Like, where are you ladies GOING? I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re all headed to a Sit and Be Fit Yoga class, because that’s the only place my grandma goes.

On our last day in Rome it was POURING and FREEZING out, so we got drunk outside of the pantheon. I love being 20 in Europe. No parents. It all seemed like a good idea until I got yelled at by a police man for sticking my feet in the Trevi fountain. Like, THERE’S NOT A SIGN THAT SAYS NOT TO STICK YOUR FEET IN THE TREVI FOUNTAIN SO THERE ARE NO GROUNDS FOR DISCIPLINE HERE (and/or if there is a sign I didn’t see it so ITS NOT BIG ENOUGH.) Oops. When in Rome.

On the flight home, Annie and Lena and I all got seats together, leaving Hope to sit next to a smelly giant. Like… oops sorry. The smelly man then proceeded to order every single smelly food a smelly man could possibly order on a plane. He started with the meaty chili, and then got himself some onion potato skins… LIKE ARE YOU DOING THIS ON PURPOSE? Couldn’t the flight attendant cut everyone a break and just tell the smelly giant that sorry, we are fresh out of the aged Gouda and tuna squish sandwich? Disrespectful.

Something that we thought of the other day is some foods are just sneaky good, so why had nobody coined that phrase yet?  Midnight donuts? Sneaky good. Ice cream right out of the carton? Sneaky good. Lena’s homemade granola when she’s not in the kitchen to see me take it? Sneaky good.

                               Women's bathroom... Beyonce's only.

Longest escalator of all times.

                                       We've hit the motherload!!

Tough day at the soup kitchen.

Today Annie and I made our second trek to the Greyfriars Community soup kitchen.

Sidenote- the other day I saw one of the homeless people I served just beggin in the street, and I stopped and said hi and we chatted. Like WHAT is the etiquette there? Like, no sorry Gary I don’t have any change, but thanks for your insight on the weather.

Anyways so we get there and I am put on potato peeling duty with a girl covered in piercing and tattoos with pink hair and really bad BO. I ask her name and she says “the name’s Vampy.” Like, no its not. I feel ridiculous saying “hey Vampy will you pass me a tattie or two” (I feel ridiculous saying this for many reasons) but I don’t want her to put any of her BO on me, so Vampy it is.

So we are casually peelin tatties and listening to the radio and a Beyonce song comes on. Naturally I’m like THIS IS  MA JAMM, to which Vampy responds “I’m going to shoot you with an AK47 if  you don’t shut up or put on some metal music.”

Like, OKAY VAMPY. I GET it. You’re an individual. No need to SHOOT ME.

So then I ask Vampy how long she’s been working at the soup kitchen. She says “a week, but I’ve been eating here well on two years.” TRICKY Vampy! I thought you were a civilian like me. But then for some UNKNOWN REASON she starts telling me about how she has 18 siblings and her mom left them and their grandmother took care of them but then she died and now Vampy has to take care of everyone and they don’t have a place to live. Like, HIT ME WITH A SACK OF TATTIES WHY DON’T YA I am not prepared for this. In addition, I have this problem where I don’t understand the Scottish accent until my brain has like 5 seconds to process it, so I’m standing there smiling and nodding and peeling tatties and saying “that’s nice” and then 5 seconds later realizing that oh eff, I just said “that’s nice” in response to “we haven’t had money for Christmas presents since I was 15.” Meanwhile, Annie is elbow deep in orange squish and old lettuce and looks like she’s going to vomit or cry. Tough day at the soup kitchen.

In other news, I have this really inexplicable fear of Wallace and Gromit that I forgot about until I saw some Wallace and Gromit memorabilia in a store. I realized the other day that I think it stems back to the fact that in our blockbuster they always accidentally put Wallace and Gromit in the horror movie section because the horror section was right next to the children’s section, and Wallace and Gromit was right on the border because it starts with W. LIKE, REALLY BLOCKBUSTER. NO WONDER YOU’RE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS. INSTILLIN FEAR IN INNOCENT YOUNG CHILDREN. So I see this Wallace and Gromit memorabilia in a store and I start sweatin, and Annie tries to explain to me how no, they’re not scary, they mostly are just go to the moon because they think it’s made of cheese and that’s about it. IM NOT BUYIN IT (literally. I will not buy that decorative Wallace and Gromit mug.)

Tomorrow we go to Rome. Smell ya later.

Busy week.

Annie and I worked at the soup kitchen on Friday. I don’t even know where to begin.

First of all, I had no idea who was homeless and who actually worked there, because some of the homeless people wore suits. Or maybe there were a few businessmen just in there tryin to get a free meal, who knows. But then I deduced that some of the homeless people worked there. Tricky.

Second of all, are there only homeless men in Scotland? Literally boys club.

Third of all, the food was sooo smelly, and people kept being like HOW COME YA HAVEN’T TRIED THE FOOD YET? YA TOO GOOD FOR THE HOMELESS FOOD WHITE GIRL? (Ok nobody said white girl but you get the point). Like, maybe because it looks like baby food and smells like foot stew. I’m ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY MYSTERY MEAT AND APPLE SQUISH. Also, Kat. Ya fingernails are dirty. Keep ya hands out of the apple squish.

Here are some things I’m thinking about right now:

1)    The Gary who teaches my Social Work class sounds like Mrs. Doubtfire. I don’t think I hate it, but sometimes it makes me wish I wasn’t in class and that I was watching Mrs. Doubtfire.

2)    The other day this weird weirdo guy who looked like shriek told me: “sometimes I am just TOO ATTRACTIVE AND DON’T KNOW HOW TO DETER THE LADIES, so I ask the lady in question what her what her favorite color of marble is. Gets ‘em every time.” Like, ya look like shriek. Are you trying to tell me I am one of the ladies you’re trying to deter? Why have you shared this piece of information with me? My feelings are hurt. And my favorite color of marble is Cream Batik, thank you very much, see ya never.

3)    I hate fish a lot, but sometimes I am in scenarios where I am rude if I refuse to eat your fish (ie, homeless shelter, also at people’s holiday parties and funerals and fish tasting exhibits). My natural go to would obviously be “no thank you I am allergic to fish, as well as mystery meat and apple squish in case you ere wondering,” only I like calamari. So my new go to is “no thank you I am allergic to fish, except those with tentacles. I can eat the tentacles.” So far nobody has questioned. So far I haven’t actually said that to anyone yet.

4)    Lena has had some beers in her room next to her heater for like a week. Dem beers is skunked.

Also, we went on a bus tour of the highlands yesterday. Hypothetical: If you are on a highlands tour bus in Scotland and decide you have to barf and then the bus pulls over and you get out and go into the woods and barf, do you

a)     Casually barf onto the ground like a normal person or

b)    barf into a bag in the woods and then take the bag BACK TO THE BUS WITH YOU.

Simply a hypothetical. Get me off this bus, so help me God.

Here are some deep thoughts with Annie McNamara.

Do people live in Greenland?

Is reindeer just another name for ‘deer’?

Do you know anyone that’s ever been in an earthquake?

Is there a fire department everywhere?

Is a haggis an animal?

Who is Che Guevara?

The snack lady’s back. Save my seat.

Here's some stuff I saw this week:

Did somebody lose a shoe?

Just a friend we made at the supermarket. I should report you for indecent exposure, but I doubt anyone would do anything about it here considering the police department and all other authorities are FAKE.

My friends went to Scotland, and all I got was this clootie dumpling.

an assortment of 'tards.

Don't worry, it's in a skin!

Don't worry, this gum is not made of mystery meat, thanks wrigley.

This is actually kind of depressing, sorry.

So I decided to volunteer at a soup kitchen, as I may have mentioned before, and the other day I went in to sign my forms saying I won't sexually assault any of the homeless people, the usual. I dragged Annie along with me in case I needed a wingman for a swift exit. The place seemed nice enough, except most of the homeless people didn't have any teeth, and they were serving some sort of tough meat dish that I just don’t think was realistically edible for the toothless population in there, and that made me feel sad. But there was some soft apple squish for dessert so that was okay.
I made one homeless friend named Gary (sidenote- literally every man I meet here is named Gary. All three of my professors are named Gary. Like, skewed stats). He had two small teeth with some sorta stitches on them. He told me “I was pretty in pink and would make the boys wink.” Then he winked at me in a scary, spastic sort of way, but it was a nice kind of scary, like Nanny McPhee or Count Chocula. Annie was frightened, I think.

So Friday was supposed to be my first real day of work, and right as I’m about to leave I get a phone call saying there has been a FIRE at the soup kitchen, and although it was minor, they are closing the kitchen for the day. Like, WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME. You can’t just CLOSE a soup kitchen. Don’t people depend on that? Where is Gary going to eat today? Here I am sitting in Kincaid’s, full of hotdogs, and the soup kitchen is closed. Ridiculous. I’ll report back next week on any further developments.

Here’s a thought: One horrible genetic trait that I really hope I don’t pass on to my children is psoriasis. I see you people staring at my knees in the gym, and I know what you’re allll thinking. IT’S NOT MRSA ITS JUST A CHRONIC DRY SKIN CONDITION, SO LETS ALL JUST CALM DOWN.

Things that are Wrong

The long awaited, never abated, list: Things that are Wrong with Scotland.

(in no particular order…)

1)    What the eff is a zed. “Now if you have questions about x y or zed…” THAT IS NOT A LETTER IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. ASSIMILATE, SCOTS.

2)    Speaking of zed, DO YOU EVEN USE IT? I don’t mean to critisise, but I have recognised and realised some effing TYPOS in this place.

3)    Ambulances are small. Like, the size of Frank Pinto’s prius. HOW IS MY DYING CARCASS SUPPOSED TO FIT IN YOUR FUEL EFFICIENT VEHICLE, SCOTLAND!? LETS PRIORITIZE (prioritise) HERE

4)    They don’t refrigerate eggs. I went to the supermarket and found the eggs just chillin next to the bread and cookies and stuff, so I promptly asked a salesman where the refrigerated eggs were. He pointed to the temperate eggs and said “those are the eggs.”. ROOD. MY EGGS ARE TEPID AND IM SENSING SALMONELLA SETTING IN.

5)    There are CALORIES in DIET things. Like, COKE ZERO IS NOT CALLED COKE 2.5, SO WHAT THE EFF ARE THOSE 2.5 CALORIES DOING IN MY COKE ZERO.

6)    Apparently they don’t have a law here that says you can’t hit pedestrians. I learned the hard way that a horn does not mean “I am angry at the person who just cut me off,” it means “get the eff out the road you dumbass American because I have NO QUALMS about running over your shoe as you lift your foot up to move it out of my treacherous path, pardon the skid marks.”

7)    The refrigerators are retardedly small, leading to intense drawer controversy in our 12 person flat

8)    The sink situation is also retarded. Upgrade to the single faucet, folks.

9)    When we do have the luxury that is toilet paper, it is sold in weird colors, ie yellow and pink. Which makes me think I’m either severely dehydrated or bleeding. This is one arena in which I do not wish to see Easter pastels, thank you very much.

10)  The gym smells bad.

11) People work out in Polo shirts and toms. Like, are you headed to a Dave Matthews concert directly upon disembarking from that elliptical? Get OUTTA here. The other day I saw a girl working out in a lacey negligee with bare feet. I’m sorry you chose to stop at the gym on your walk of shame? WHERE AM I

12)  They sell porn and vodka in the student center (I don’t know if this should actually go on the “things that are right with Scotland” list)

13) Too much enthusiasm for drinking, leads to casual vomiting

14) Everyone has terrible teeth (most likely a result of NBD vomiting.) I went to look for teeth whitener the other day. That is not a product they sell here. Figures. When in Rome.

15)  Is “salad cream” salad dressing or mayonnaise? I don’t want to have to buy it, but I really want to know.

16)  Elevators? Uncheck.

Honestly, how dare you. There is one lift in this whole city of course its going to get overloaded.

17) I am SO OVER seeing Miley Cirus and the cast of Glee on the front of every magazine. GET YOUR OWN CELEBRITIES

18)  In the mall, you have to pay to use the bathroom. I’ll just use the alley like everyone else, thank you very much.

19)  The soda Irn Bru is TERRIBLE. I wanted to drink it frequently so I could look like a local, but it actually tastes like dirty poison water.

20) McDonalds is TOO CROWDED! I just want to eat my Rollo McFlurry in peace!

21)  Too many bridges (not enough hoes!)

22) Do I look like I’m 17? STOP ID-ing ME.

23) Change pounds remind me of nickels so my automatic instinct is to throw them on the ground, but that’s like a dollar 60 right there. Don’t even get me STARTED on 2 pound coins. When I pay for something that is 5.50 with a 10 pound bill, I DO NOT EXPECT TO GET CHANGE BACK. STOP MESSING WITH ME.

24)  Pizza hut is fancy. Metal utensils and those fancy wooden pizza paddle things. I feel like I’m at Bertuccis!

This was a decorative bowl we found in Pizza hut... complete with lemon and a pound 20. Fancy!

25) There is an ACTUAL fancy restaurant called “pizza express.” THAT IS NOT A FANCY NAME, DECIEVING MARKETING STRATEGY

26) The sheets here are made of gauze. Neg thread count. I thought maybe that was just because I got the shitty school sheets, but Hope bought fancy sheets and they were equally gauzey but just had fancy stripes.

27) Why does normal colored vodka cost more than blue colored vodka?

28) All drinks served lukewarm

29) When I get 2 weeks worth of groceries, how DARE you ask me if I need a bag! Like, no I planned on making multiple trips back here carrying my groceries in my arms.

30) Why are jagerbombs the cheapest drink you can get (also possibly goes on the things that are right list)

31) Similarly, redbull costs less than diet coke here. Like ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK

32) A wise Scotsman once said to me the other day, “you always know an American because they wear wellies and hate waiting in queues.” Now I’m not going to even MENTION how many things are wrong with that sentence, but the people here don’t wear rainboots even though it rains CONSTANTLY. Have your shoes adapted to this moist climate? Cause mine haven’t. Also waiting in line is NOT FUN so don’t try to tell me it’s fun.

33) Nobody appreciates my fake accent, even though it’s mad good

34) Is it ever sunny?

35) STOP HAWKING LOOGIES IN MY GENERAL DIRECTION

36) Where’s the hot sauce?

37) How come when I order a burger you don’t ask me how I want it cooked, you just bring me a burned char-patty?

38) Everything about Ryanair

39) People will choose to dress up in different themes (ie, dogs) and not tell anyone why

40) Postcodes shouldn’t have an assortment of letters and numbers, it confuses me

41) What is a ‘suggested” reading? Do I do the reading or don’t I? HOLD MY HAND.

In other news...

Like, typical.

My hat it has three corners... three corners has my hat.

This is a picture of the police yelling at a homeless man to get off of the street. this made me very sad. But...

This same 'homeless man' is seen later, loading up his North Face backpack and putting on his Barbour jacket after a hard days work! Charlatan! I feel like I've been duped! You don't even have a dog!