Attack of the Irish snow banshees

The other day I learned that mincemeat is actually fruit. Like, get outta town! That’s ridiculous.

Currently there is an Edinblizzard going on outside. Scotland is so GD inefficient. It has snowed like, maybe 3 inches here, and the whole airport shut down and none of the buses or trains are running, and they closed the library. Like, I’m sorry, are these the DARK AGES? Has the snow-plow not yet reached this country? This isn’t the APOCOLYPSE, Scotland. Get it together.

Something horrible that I learned this weekend when Lena and I went on our honeymoon to Ireland is that snow + banshees= UBERBANSHEES!! Honestly, kill me now. If I have to see one more giant snow penis I’m going to kill someone. GROW UP.

Irish banshees are working on a whole new level. Lena and I were walking down this side street in Dublin that was seemingly abandoned, when a group of 12 year old gingers crossed our paths. Naturally I thought oh how cute, little Irish leprechaun boys frolicking in the snow. AU CONTRAIRE. As soon as we passed them they started chucking snowballs at us. I was so taken aback that I couldn’t even think of a biting and witty retort*, so I just scoffed, at which point they started pointing and laughing at us. Then I flipped them the bird. (was it wrong to flip off a group of 12 year old banshees? JUDGE ME.) Now apparently the leprechaun banshees were not too pleased by the bird, because as soon as we turned around one of them threw a chunk of ice at Lena’s head. Like… I’M SUING. I’M SUING THIS WHOLE GODDAMN CONTINENT.  Lena was ALL confused, probably because she was CONCUSSED, and when we turn around to see what had happened, they are RUNNING at us. As I learned from the drunk charging rhino girl back in the fall, my instinct says flight, not fight. But like, REALLY, leprechaun banshees? What were you going to DO if you caught us? Tickle us? Force feed us lucky charms? Get OUTTA here.

*These are things I should have said:

1) Nice snowball. Where’d ya find it? THE END OF THE RAINBOW?!

2) I-rish I had a million dollars, so I could buy a private jet and fly away from you!! Because you’re the worst!!

3) Why are you so cel-ticked off? Is it because you still wear diapers?!

4) I went to the Guinness factory today and you won’t be able to drink Guinness for like 10 years!! Get a clue, spy guy!!!

Etcetera, etcetera… 

Emily vs. the Vegetarians

I asked Annie to send me her notes from Archaeology... this is what she sent me.

Notes for nov 23

Try to interpret ditches

Gordon childe spoke about them

5000 BC

begins somewhere around modern hungary

spreads extremely into the something basin

hard to identify what is spreading

what perhaps happened was that there was movement, as well as merging between h-g and farmers

moving, leapfrogging

Cheese products were important?

11 meters thick

concentrations of sites with houses, only one cemetery at niedermerz

villages have very large houses some of them dsfhasdklhfsld

100 hectares in extents

very first domestic structure excavated on that site

longitudinal pits I don’t get it skdjhafksdl

granneries, then idea was abandoned

now houses

no floors

artistic imagination

long houses

doors point north (south to north) btu no firm evidence

note density

post holes

rituals

stylicized

central Europe not very well endowed with flints

tremendous variety

exchanges are results rather than ultimate goals

not only trade

usually individual in crouched formation

interesting/scary about LBK

not that many women

not childbearing 

people massacred, hit on the head with implements AH!

Possibly a skirmish

Atleast 4 people who were from black forest, visiting

Unfortunately got caught up

Different segments of human remains

Mach mach larger number – human remains

Treated same way as animal remains

They are effectively BUTCHERED oh no!

People coming from quite long distances

extraordinary find!

period at which strange thigns are happening, people from very long distances were sacrificed in weird way, bodies were treated like animals

cannibalism? I don’t think that’s what the lecturer had in mind.

Like..... WHAT?! Could we have some CONTEXT here Annie?! My personal favorites are "cheese products were important?" and "Possibly a skirmish."

I will say though, all my notes from that day say are "THIS IS SO GODDAMN BORING. ASK ANNIE TO SEND YOU HER NOTES LATER." So much for that idea.

In our tutorial for this class the other day, I got into a bit of a skirmish myself. If I may provide some context, our tutorial is led by a jolly man from Ohio named Riley. Notable facts about Riley:

1) he may or may not have a child (thank you, facebook)

2) his feet are very flat and it is distracting

3) he has extremely prominent jowls*, like so

So the other day our class was supposed to be about environmental archaeology, but we actually ended up talking about being vegetarian or not. Thus ensued the skirmish. The conversation went a little bit like this:

Gary: I think everyone should be a vegetarian

Emily: I like eating bacon.

Gary's 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! HAVE YOU NO SOUL?!?!

MY natural assumption was that "bacon" was a slang term for "orphaned African babies" or something, but when I went on to explain that I also love hot diggity dogs and hamburgers and almost anything you can get at McDonalds except the McFish they were equally outraged! And thus ensued what I retrospectively call "Emily vs. the Vegetarians." I quickly deduced that EVERY person in my class was a vegetarian, and as an honest meat- eating American I decided I had to defend my country's honor by making up facts and statistics about the meat industry. So then it went something like this:

Emily: It is a well known fact that it is much less expensive to eat meat, so it is easier to feed the homeless and starving population!

Gary: You blatantly made that up. Anybody who's ever been in a supermarket could tell you that's not true.

Emily: Yeah, well the carbon emissions from producing meat shmamahaams.... 

Gary 2: You mumbled a little bit at the end there but I have a feeling that whatever you were trying to say is entirely false.

Emily: Yeah well, your country sucks!

Gary 3: Get out of here.

Emily: GOD BLESS TEXAS

*Annie just did a google search for "human gobblers"

Whipit Good

So a legitimate problem I have been having lately is that I am getting my real life confused with my reality TV life. Like the other night we were walking past this really seedy looking bar called “Space,” and I was like OMG WE HAVE TO GO TO SPACE MY FRIEND TOLD ME IT’S LIKE THE BEST CLUB EV3R, AND THEN SHE ATE A PICKLE… and not until I looked inside to see a bunch of toothless old men drowning their sorrows and shedding their lonely tears did I remember that oops, my “friends” who told me that Space was a cool bar were the cast of Jersey Shore. “Space Miami” clearly didn’t do too well on the continental leap.

So when Terf visited the other weekend, her friend took us to a party with REAL Scottish people! What a novel idea! So we walk into this party and everyone is inhaling from these balloons they have in their hands, and my first reaction is obviously ‘omg lawlz sing the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas song,’ but then I slowly but surely come to realize that all of these people are doing WHIPITS. Like, the only way I even knew how to IDENTIFY a whipit was because I’ve seen The Basketball Diaries starring Leo DiCaprio and Marky Mark Wahberg, and also because I went to a MoNsr3R JaM concert once in the 7^th grade. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m not straight edge, I’ve had nitrous oxide before… at the DENTIST. Then I started getting real nervous that somebody was going to barf on me (because that’s what happens after they do whipits in the Basketball Diaries so probably that’s what always happens) so I called a cab off of my blackberry (that phone call probably cost like 12 pounds… sarry mahm) and went home alone. But this got me thinking… I mean I’m no expert on the drug scene believe you me, but even in the US aren’t whipits like, the thing poor people do in abandoned parking lots with cans of cheese whiz to forget about their crack babies and second mortgages? Who knew they were a real recreational drug? (… slash did everyone know except me?) All I know is, when I had laughing gas that time I got my wizzies out, I thought I was a bunny rabbit. Bunny rabbits have many natural predators, and I HATE CARROTS!! I don’t want to go back there again.

Another thing I noticed that I want to put on the things that are wrong list, is that seeing as I have gained xxx kilos while I've been here (Kilos are more than pounds- add that to the things that are wrong list too) I have naturally been looking for a quick and easy way to get skinni. (I like spelling skinni with an i- it makes the whole word look skinnier ya know?) They don't SELL them here. There's no trimspa, there's no hoodia, there's no acai to be found. Is this a sick joke? Am I actually supposed to stop eating late night chips and cheese and fried mars bars and start exercising? No THANK you, operation skinnijeans will commence when I'm back in the land of quick fixes.

Also, to follow up on last week's post, for your viewing (and listening, and possibly purchasing?) pleasure, I give you Scottish Culture Gary. For a mere 11 pound 50, you can simultaneously stimulate the Scottish economy and pay homage to the pied piper himself. And doesn't he look majestic in that pic? 


http://www.garywest.co.uk/

Calm Down, Garys

So lately all of the Gary’s have been playing bagpipe music in my classes. I mean I can kind of understand it in my Scottish Culture class, but Social Work? Really, Social Work Gary? How is this applicable? One funny thing that happened though was in my Scottish Culture class the other day, Scottish Culture Gary subtly put on some background bagpipe music (which, in and unto itself is an oxymoron), and then CASUALLY said something like “oh, hey kids. What uh, what do ya think of that there bagpipe tune?” And right as I was about to exclaim WELL ACTUALLY NOW THAT YA ASK GARY MY EARS SEEM TO BE BLEEDING he goes on to say “that uh, that there is me playin the bagpipes. Yuuuup. Yup that’s me. You can uh, buy my CD at the bookstore if you want.” Like, REALLY SCOTTISH CULTURE GARY. Are you really peddling your bagpipe CD during school hours? Times must be tough at the Gary household. Another thing I learned in my Scottish Culture class that day: you know that girl in class who always looks like she’s taking really diligent notes on her laptop? Well she’s not. She’s looking at pictures of camels.

Going to my classes here MAKES ME STUPIDER. (Something I just thought of- Did any of you read those books "the stupids" when you were little? About a stupid family that does stupid things? I remember there was one called The Stupids Die. Like REALLY MOM AND DAD, WTF. YOU COULDN'T HAVE JUST BOUGHT ME ANOTHER ARTHUR BOOK?!). Everyone is so stupid and I just feel like I’m getting stupider by osmosis. Isn’t this supposed to be a GOOD school? Like, the other day in one of my tutorials somebody said “I think one way to get rid of the growing drug problem is to sterilize everyone who is addicted to drugs.” And everyone NODDED like that was a GOOD IDEA. Like, THEY'VE DONE THAT BEFORE, PEOPLE. AND BY “THEY,” I MEAN THE NAZIS. I didn’t even start on the eugenics-racial-cleansing-this-is-the-21^st-centuary-you-barbaric-asshole tirade that was stewing inside of me, but instead scoffed loudly and made a “WTF” face so I looked like a *disinterested angsty punk student, of which there are many here in Scotland so nothing new there. Social Work Gary asked my class yesterday if we all knew what the word “spoiled” meant. GET ME OUT OF HERE.

Besides that though, life’s been good. We discovered hard cider the other day (which looks like beer but tastes like juice, pleasant surprise!) and also I discovered the most amazing website of all time, called www.edinburghschristmas.com. Please visit the section about the giant Scottish Santa Run- I think that will be the best ten pounds I'll spend in my entire trip here (besides the hairbrush that I bought which looks like a person.)


*A bbm from Frank Pinto:
"Hey Em, read the latest blog post.  The word disinterested means impartial, not uninterested. It is one of the most misused words in the English language. Love Dad."
This school IS making me stupider!! Also Dad, I'm so glad you're concerned with my grammar and not with the shoddy excuse for an education I'm getting over here. Go panthers!!

Mafia.

So we went to Rome this past weekend. I literally thought every single man I met was in the mafia. Like I was constantly really nervous and pretty much said outright a few times I HATE THE POLICE AND HAVE NO AFFILIATION WITH THEM, I SUPPORT ORGANIZED CRIME and it wasn’t until the last day that I realized no, every man is not in the mafia, they’re all just Italians. Waddup, racial profiling. I have been watching too much Sopranos.

Another thing I noticed in Rome is that whenever we took the bus, it was always like, 2/3 full of little old ladies. Like, where are you ladies GOING? I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re all headed to a Sit and Be Fit Yoga class, because that’s the only place my grandma goes.

On our last day in Rome it was POURING and FREEZING out, so we got drunk outside of the pantheon. I love being 20 in Europe. No parents. It all seemed like a good idea until I got yelled at by a police man for sticking my feet in the Trevi fountain. Like, THERE’S NOT A SIGN THAT SAYS NOT TO STICK YOUR FEET IN THE TREVI FOUNTAIN SO THERE ARE NO GROUNDS FOR DISCIPLINE HERE (and/or if there is a sign I didn’t see it so ITS NOT BIG ENOUGH.) Oops. When in Rome.

On the flight home, Annie and Lena and I all got seats together, leaving Hope to sit next to a smelly giant. Like… oops sorry. The smelly man then proceeded to order every single smelly food a smelly man could possibly order on a plane. He started with the meaty chili, and then got himself some onion potato skins… LIKE ARE YOU DOING THIS ON PURPOSE? Couldn’t the flight attendant cut everyone a break and just tell the smelly giant that sorry, we are fresh out of the aged Gouda and tuna squish sandwich? Disrespectful.

Something that we thought of the other day is some foods are just sneaky good, so why had nobody coined that phrase yet?  Midnight donuts? Sneaky good. Ice cream right out of the carton? Sneaky good. Lena’s homemade granola when she’s not in the kitchen to see me take it? Sneaky good.

                               Women's bathroom... Beyonce's only.

Longest escalator of all times.

                                       We've hit the motherload!!

Tough day at the soup kitchen.

Today Annie and I made our second trek to the Greyfriars Community soup kitchen.

Sidenote- the other day I saw one of the homeless people I served just beggin in the street, and I stopped and said hi and we chatted. Like WHAT is the etiquette there? Like, no sorry Gary I don’t have any change, but thanks for your insight on the weather.

Anyways so we get there and I am put on potato peeling duty with a girl covered in piercing and tattoos with pink hair and really bad BO. I ask her name and she says “the name’s Vampy.” Like, no its not. I feel ridiculous saying “hey Vampy will you pass me a tattie or two” (I feel ridiculous saying this for many reasons) but I don’t want her to put any of her BO on me, so Vampy it is.

So we are casually peelin tatties and listening to the radio and a Beyonce song comes on. Naturally I’m like THIS IS  MA JAMM, to which Vampy responds “I’m going to shoot you with an AK47 if  you don’t shut up or put on some metal music.”

Like, OKAY VAMPY. I GET it. You’re an individual. No need to SHOOT ME.

So then I ask Vampy how long she’s been working at the soup kitchen. She says “a week, but I’ve been eating here well on two years.” TRICKY Vampy! I thought you were a civilian like me. But then for some UNKNOWN REASON she starts telling me about how she has 18 siblings and her mom left them and their grandmother took care of them but then she died and now Vampy has to take care of everyone and they don’t have a place to live. Like, HIT ME WITH A SACK OF TATTIES WHY DON’T YA I am not prepared for this. In addition, I have this problem where I don’t understand the Scottish accent until my brain has like 5 seconds to process it, so I’m standing there smiling and nodding and peeling tatties and saying “that’s nice” and then 5 seconds later realizing that oh eff, I just said “that’s nice” in response to “we haven’t had money for Christmas presents since I was 15.” Meanwhile, Annie is elbow deep in orange squish and old lettuce and looks like she’s going to vomit or cry. Tough day at the soup kitchen.

In other news, I have this really inexplicable fear of Wallace and Gromit that I forgot about until I saw some Wallace and Gromit memorabilia in a store. I realized the other day that I think it stems back to the fact that in our blockbuster they always accidentally put Wallace and Gromit in the horror movie section because the horror section was right next to the children’s section, and Wallace and Gromit was right on the border because it starts with W. LIKE, REALLY BLOCKBUSTER. NO WONDER YOU’RE GOING OUT OF BUSINESS. INSTILLIN FEAR IN INNOCENT YOUNG CHILDREN. So I see this Wallace and Gromit memorabilia in a store and I start sweatin, and Annie tries to explain to me how no, they’re not scary, they mostly are just go to the moon because they think it’s made of cheese and that’s about it. IM NOT BUYIN IT (literally. I will not buy that decorative Wallace and Gromit mug.)

Tomorrow we go to Rome. Smell ya later.