Yesterday was the Great Scottish Santa Run, aka the best 3 hours of my LIFE. Reasons why it was the best:
1) It only cost ten pounds and you got a full santa suit, beard and belt and everything! Granted it was shoddily made and the beard resulted in a lot of (probably) asbestos in my lungs, but I was pleased with my appearance. I don’t know HOW they could have made any profit for the dying children with a price that affordable!
2) There were SO MANY ASIAN SANTAS.
3) Due to Scotland’s incompetence at dealing with ice,* Santa “run,” became Santa “walk.” They probably overheard my premeditated intent to sue. Upside- I didn’t even have to embarrass myself by ‘pretending’ to fall down and sprain my ankle as an excuse for coming in last, as was my original plan. huzzah!
4) There was a group of little girls, they were maybe 8 or 10, who did this cute little Scottish dance in kilts and it was lovely, and then they went backstage for a ‘costume change’ and came out wearing these like, DIVALICIOUS tartan tube top belly shirt things and did a slutty jig to slutty bagpipe music. Like, where are your PARENTS? It’s 20 degrees out, get your kid a sweater. Who even KNEW you could DO a slutty jig? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous.
5) A little boy who was like Bieber but with no personality sang “Are we human… or are we dancers…” Which a few clever (probably drunk) santas adapted to “Are we human, or are we santas” and I thought it was hilarious. Bieber was not pleased about the deferred attention and/or didn’t notice, he had lazy eyes so I couldn’t determine his emotion. I am going to use that song all the time now in other various forms. “Are we human… or are we hamsters…” “Are we human… or are we pandas…” The possibilities are ENDLESS.
6) All of the little babies were SO CONFUSED by all of the imposter Santas. Like, see you in therapy, little guy.
7) They gave everyone a medal at the end, so everyone was a winner!
In keeping with my generally pessimistic attitude, here are things that suck today.
1) I am out of food and I REFUSE to go back to the supermarket, on some sort of principle that I made up that I forget now. I feel hungry.
2) The cleaning people hid and/or stole my shower shoes, so I have had to shower barefoot. I can already feel the planter’s warts growing in.
3) Also all of my dishes are filthy and I refuse to clean them because I am a DIVA and DIVAS DON’T CLEAN, but my room is starting to smell.
4) I had to study so much useless bullshit for my archaeology exam and now I can’t forget it. Like, I no longer give an EFF about the half-life of radiocarbon, or the significance of thermoluminescence dating. CAN SOMEBODY VANQUISH THESE USELESS THOUGHTS FROM MY HEAD PLZ
5) My ghost came back last night. I can’t be sure but I think he did.
Oh my gosh did I never tell that story to begin with?! This was an important milestone in my life.
I am not a believer in ghosts nor have I ever been, but the night before we left for Italy I woke up at 3:11 in the morning because I felt like there was someone in my room. Naturally my first thought was oh God the banshees have infiltrated once and for all, but when I opened my eyes, there was a man wearing a blue suit with some snappy lapels standing right next to my dresser. Like, HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE (I think is what I screamed, or something along those lines.) He started talking only I couldn’t hear what he was saying on account of I was wiggin out, and then he disappeared. Like, excuse me EL DIABLO, what BUSINESS do you have in Kincaid’s court. What were you EVEN SAYING. Were you telling me the secret to life, or more importantly, the secret to how to become a celebrity? Because if so I really effed up that opportunity for enlightenment with all my wiggin. Then I was so scared afterwards but I couldn’t even talk to anyone because when I was little my mother classically conditioned me to learn that if I had a nightmare I was NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES allowed to interrupt her beauty rest, so MAN UP. Thanks a lot for THAT emotional scarring. Although perhaps it turned me into the tough broad I am today. If the ghost comes back I am going to ask him how skinni I will be in the future.
Deep thought (inspired by Annie): It should be illegal for homeless people to hang out in front of banks. It makes my moral compass go all askew. Also, homeless Gary, I see your creepin eyes, creepin all over my PIN. Please find a new place to loiter.
*they have literally been selling table salt in giant packs at tesco and like, the police come in and buy it and sprinkle it on the street. Like, shouldn’t you have that stuff STOCKPILED somewhere? Joke.
