Busy week.

Annie and I worked at the soup kitchen on Friday. I don’t even know where to begin.

First of all, I had no idea who was homeless and who actually worked there, because some of the homeless people wore suits. Or maybe there were a few businessmen just in there tryin to get a free meal, who knows. But then I deduced that some of the homeless people worked there. Tricky.

Second of all, are there only homeless men in Scotland? Literally boys club.

Third of all, the food was sooo smelly, and people kept being like HOW COME YA HAVEN’T TRIED THE FOOD YET? YA TOO GOOD FOR THE HOMELESS FOOD WHITE GIRL? (Ok nobody said white girl but you get the point). Like, maybe because it looks like baby food and smells like foot stew. I’m ALLERGIC TO EVERYTHING, ESPECIALLY MYSTERY MEAT AND APPLE SQUISH. Also, Kat. Ya fingernails are dirty. Keep ya hands out of the apple squish.

Here are some things I’m thinking about right now:

1)    The Gary who teaches my Social Work class sounds like Mrs. Doubtfire. I don’t think I hate it, but sometimes it makes me wish I wasn’t in class and that I was watching Mrs. Doubtfire.

2)    The other day this weird weirdo guy who looked like shriek told me: “sometimes I am just TOO ATTRACTIVE AND DON’T KNOW HOW TO DETER THE LADIES, so I ask the lady in question what her what her favorite color of marble is. Gets ‘em every time.” Like, ya look like shriek. Are you trying to tell me I am one of the ladies you’re trying to deter? Why have you shared this piece of information with me? My feelings are hurt. And my favorite color of marble is Cream Batik, thank you very much, see ya never.

3)    I hate fish a lot, but sometimes I am in scenarios where I am rude if I refuse to eat your fish (ie, homeless shelter, also at people’s holiday parties and funerals and fish tasting exhibits). My natural go to would obviously be “no thank you I am allergic to fish, as well as mystery meat and apple squish in case you ere wondering,” only I like calamari. So my new go to is “no thank you I am allergic to fish, except those with tentacles. I can eat the tentacles.” So far nobody has questioned. So far I haven’t actually said that to anyone yet.

4)    Lena has had some beers in her room next to her heater for like a week. Dem beers is skunked.

Also, we went on a bus tour of the highlands yesterday. Hypothetical: If you are on a highlands tour bus in Scotland and decide you have to barf and then the bus pulls over and you get out and go into the woods and barf, do you

a)     Casually barf onto the ground like a normal person or

b)    barf into a bag in the woods and then take the bag BACK TO THE BUS WITH YOU.

Simply a hypothetical. Get me off this bus, so help me God.

Here are some deep thoughts with Annie McNamara.

Do people live in Greenland?

Is reindeer just another name for ‘deer’?

Do you know anyone that’s ever been in an earthquake?

Is there a fire department everywhere?

Is a haggis an animal?

Who is Che Guevara?

The snack lady’s back. Save my seat.

Here's some stuff I saw this week:

Did somebody lose a shoe?

Just a friend we made at the supermarket. I should report you for indecent exposure, but I doubt anyone would do anything about it here considering the police department and all other authorities are FAKE.

My friends went to Scotland, and all I got was this clootie dumpling.

an assortment of 'tards.

Don't worry, it's in a skin!

Don't worry, this gum is not made of mystery meat, thanks wrigley.

This is actually kind of depressing, sorry.

So I decided to volunteer at a soup kitchen, as I may have mentioned before, and the other day I went in to sign my forms saying I won't sexually assault any of the homeless people, the usual. I dragged Annie along with me in case I needed a wingman for a swift exit. The place seemed nice enough, except most of the homeless people didn't have any teeth, and they were serving some sort of tough meat dish that I just don’t think was realistically edible for the toothless population in there, and that made me feel sad. But there was some soft apple squish for dessert so that was okay.
I made one homeless friend named Gary (sidenote- literally every man I meet here is named Gary. All three of my professors are named Gary. Like, skewed stats). He had two small teeth with some sorta stitches on them. He told me “I was pretty in pink and would make the boys wink.” Then he winked at me in a scary, spastic sort of way, but it was a nice kind of scary, like Nanny McPhee or Count Chocula. Annie was frightened, I think.

So Friday was supposed to be my first real day of work, and right as I’m about to leave I get a phone call saying there has been a FIRE at the soup kitchen, and although it was minor, they are closing the kitchen for the day. Like, WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME. You can’t just CLOSE a soup kitchen. Don’t people depend on that? Where is Gary going to eat today? Here I am sitting in Kincaid’s, full of hotdogs, and the soup kitchen is closed. Ridiculous. I’ll report back next week on any further developments.

Here’s a thought: One horrible genetic trait that I really hope I don’t pass on to my children is psoriasis. I see you people staring at my knees in the gym, and I know what you’re allll thinking. IT’S NOT MRSA ITS JUST A CHRONIC DRY SKIN CONDITION, SO LETS ALL JUST CALM DOWN.

Things that are Wrong

The long awaited, never abated, list: Things that are Wrong with Scotland.

(in no particular order…)

1)    What the eff is a zed. “Now if you have questions about x y or zed…” THAT IS NOT A LETTER IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. ASSIMILATE, SCOTS.

2)    Speaking of zed, DO YOU EVEN USE IT? I don’t mean to critisise, but I have recognised and realised some effing TYPOS in this place.

3)    Ambulances are small. Like, the size of Frank Pinto’s prius. HOW IS MY DYING CARCASS SUPPOSED TO FIT IN YOUR FUEL EFFICIENT VEHICLE, SCOTLAND!? LETS PRIORITIZE (prioritise) HERE

4)    They don’t refrigerate eggs. I went to the supermarket and found the eggs just chillin next to the bread and cookies and stuff, so I promptly asked a salesman where the refrigerated eggs were. He pointed to the temperate eggs and said “those are the eggs.”. ROOD. MY EGGS ARE TEPID AND IM SENSING SALMONELLA SETTING IN.

5)    There are CALORIES in DIET things. Like, COKE ZERO IS NOT CALLED COKE 2.5, SO WHAT THE EFF ARE THOSE 2.5 CALORIES DOING IN MY COKE ZERO.

6)    Apparently they don’t have a law here that says you can’t hit pedestrians. I learned the hard way that a horn does not mean “I am angry at the person who just cut me off,” it means “get the eff out the road you dumbass American because I have NO QUALMS about running over your shoe as you lift your foot up to move it out of my treacherous path, pardon the skid marks.”

7)    The refrigerators are retardedly small, leading to intense drawer controversy in our 12 person flat

8)    The sink situation is also retarded. Upgrade to the single faucet, folks.

9)    When we do have the luxury that is toilet paper, it is sold in weird colors, ie yellow and pink. Which makes me think I’m either severely dehydrated or bleeding. This is one arena in which I do not wish to see Easter pastels, thank you very much.

10)  The gym smells bad.

11) People work out in Polo shirts and toms. Like, are you headed to a Dave Matthews concert directly upon disembarking from that elliptical? Get OUTTA here. The other day I saw a girl working out in a lacey negligee with bare feet. I’m sorry you chose to stop at the gym on your walk of shame? WHERE AM I

12)  They sell porn and vodka in the student center (I don’t know if this should actually go on the “things that are right with Scotland” list)

13) Too much enthusiasm for drinking, leads to casual vomiting

14) Everyone has terrible teeth (most likely a result of NBD vomiting.) I went to look for teeth whitener the other day. That is not a product they sell here. Figures. When in Rome.

15)  Is “salad cream” salad dressing or mayonnaise? I don’t want to have to buy it, but I really want to know.

16)  Elevators? Uncheck.

Honestly, how dare you. There is one lift in this whole city of course its going to get overloaded.

17) I am SO OVER seeing Miley Cirus and the cast of Glee on the front of every magazine. GET YOUR OWN CELEBRITIES

18)  In the mall, you have to pay to use the bathroom. I’ll just use the alley like everyone else, thank you very much.

19)  The soda Irn Bru is TERRIBLE. I wanted to drink it frequently so I could look like a local, but it actually tastes like dirty poison water.

20) McDonalds is TOO CROWDED! I just want to eat my Rollo McFlurry in peace!

21)  Too many bridges (not enough hoes!)

22) Do I look like I’m 17? STOP ID-ing ME.

23) Change pounds remind me of nickels so my automatic instinct is to throw them on the ground, but that’s like a dollar 60 right there. Don’t even get me STARTED on 2 pound coins. When I pay for something that is 5.50 with a 10 pound bill, I DO NOT EXPECT TO GET CHANGE BACK. STOP MESSING WITH ME.

24)  Pizza hut is fancy. Metal utensils and those fancy wooden pizza paddle things. I feel like I’m at Bertuccis!

This was a decorative bowl we found in Pizza hut... complete with lemon and a pound 20. Fancy!

25) There is an ACTUAL fancy restaurant called “pizza express.” THAT IS NOT A FANCY NAME, DECIEVING MARKETING STRATEGY

26) The sheets here are made of gauze. Neg thread count. I thought maybe that was just because I got the shitty school sheets, but Hope bought fancy sheets and they were equally gauzey but just had fancy stripes.

27) Why does normal colored vodka cost more than blue colored vodka?

28) All drinks served lukewarm

29) When I get 2 weeks worth of groceries, how DARE you ask me if I need a bag! Like, no I planned on making multiple trips back here carrying my groceries in my arms.

30) Why are jagerbombs the cheapest drink you can get (also possibly goes on the things that are right list)

31) Similarly, redbull costs less than diet coke here. Like ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK

32) A wise Scotsman once said to me the other day, “you always know an American because they wear wellies and hate waiting in queues.” Now I’m not going to even MENTION how many things are wrong with that sentence, but the people here don’t wear rainboots even though it rains CONSTANTLY. Have your shoes adapted to this moist climate? Cause mine haven’t. Also waiting in line is NOT FUN so don’t try to tell me it’s fun.

33) Nobody appreciates my fake accent, even though it’s mad good

34) Is it ever sunny?

35) STOP HAWKING LOOGIES IN MY GENERAL DIRECTION

36) Where’s the hot sauce?

37) How come when I order a burger you don’t ask me how I want it cooked, you just bring me a burned char-patty?

38) Everything about Ryanair

39) People will choose to dress up in different themes (ie, dogs) and not tell anyone why

40) Postcodes shouldn’t have an assortment of letters and numbers, it confuses me

41) What is a ‘suggested” reading? Do I do the reading or don’t I? HOLD MY HAND.

In other news...

Like, typical.

My hat it has three corners... three corners has my hat.

This is a picture of the police yelling at a homeless man to get off of the street. this made me very sad. But...

This same 'homeless man' is seen later, loading up his North Face backpack and putting on his Barbour jacket after a hard days work! Charlatan! I feel like I've been duped! You don't even have a dog!

I have zero tolerance for bell peppers

Here are the advertisements that came up for me on facebook today:

Meet girls on Zoosk looking for guys like you!

Pregnant? Get lots of free goodies and great advice for you and your bump, when you join the Cow & Gate Mum & Baby Club. Join now!

Learn to drive and get your license from £10! We search the whole market to get the cheapest lessons in your area. Choose where and when and we do the rest!

Like… something is not adding up. Aren’t facebook ads supposed to be specifically geared towards me depending on my demographic information? What about my recent searches could possibly imply that I am a pregnant 16 year old boy? Get it together, f-book.

Speaking of facebook, Hope got a very interesting friend request today from somebody named “Young Love.” Upon further investigation, here is what we learned in Mr. Love’s ‘about me’:

“Well a simple guy by my standard and will like to know many friends and maybe best buddy and by the grace of god my missing rib.”

I mean I don’t even know where to start here. Why would you ever seek your missing rib via a social networking site? Is rib some sort of slang term that I haven’t yet come into contact with? I mean clearly it ain’t American slang, considering how he “will like to know many friends.” Have the snipers strategically targeted Hope via facebook? Only time will tell.

In other news… somebody put a sleeve of bell peppers in the fridge today. Like… who needs a SLEEVE of bell peppers!?! Are you planning on making a fiesta salad to last for days and days!?! YOU’D BETTER NOT BE TAKING UP ANY MORE ROOM IN THE FRIDGE OR YOUR ITEMS WILL BE FORCIBLY REMOVED. TODAY I THREW AWAY SOMEBODY’S OLD TIN OF BULLSHIT THAT’S BEEN IN THERE FOR LIKE 3 WEEKS. SEE YOU TOMORROW WHEN I STRIKE AGAIN.

By the way can you tell me where to find the firey ginger beer? Oh right next to the dandelion and burdock. Get OUTTA here.

Casual Encounters

My mother sent me a care package. It contained hot sauce and deodorant. No note. Thanks mahhhm (literally, thanks. They don’t have real deodorant here and there is a serious deficit of hot sauce as well. Job well done.) I learned on Kylie Atwood’s blog that flamingos are pink because of all the shrimp they eat… is my hot sauce addiction going to turn me into a ginger!? This is a legitimate fear I have.

Ali showed me her passport picture today. Apparently they ran out of ink when they were printing it and she looks like an albino ghost person, so she took the liberty of cutting out a new picture of herself and pasting it in. Like… they have a word for that Ali. And that word is treason.

Things that suck:

1)They only provided us with one sheet here and I am too impoverished to buy a new one, and I just spilled coffee on my bed. FML.

That is actually the only thing I can think of that sucks right now. Today is a good day.

Here are some casual things I have casually seen recently:

Casually blowing up a blow-up doll at a bar.

Casually sporting a casual kilt while giving directions.

Casual Adult Conceptions, conveniently located next to campus book store.

Really cute guy, but the plunging v-neck is getting dangerously casual.

Casual roof cat.

Annie can't handle bitch seat in cab. Not casual.

Oh, I thought of another thing that sucks. We had another fire alarm last night at 4am. I was very tired and casually walked into a wall and now have a casual goose egg on my head. Hope didn't even get out of bed for it. Boy who cried wolf, right there.

My life is Fake

Things that are ridiculous:

1)    For the past week or so my Scottish Culture professor has been MIA, and a wizard has taken over teaching the class. Literally he comes in and teaches us about spells and pagan rituals, and shows us pictures of prehistoric banshee damage.

2)    The carbon monoxide detector or something has been beeping in the stairwell, nonstop, for like, 8 days now, and nobody seems phased. Like, is somebody going to DO something about that? Do we live in the third world? The landlord comes up to our flat like, daily, to let us know how much we are going to be charged for whatever new banshee damage has been incurred, but she has NOT A WORD to say about the beeping. Like, SHOULDN’T THIS BE A MORE PRESSING ISSUE OF CONCERN? If you go up to the beeping box, it says “WARNING: contamination: Flat 10 room 7.” Like….. I live in flat 10. Obviously. What the methlab is going on around here. A French girl lives in room 7. We knocked on her door to alert her/ try to see if we could sniff out the contamination. She didn’t seem too bothered when we told her that the beeping that has been going on the hallway for the past week is due to her contamination (or she didn’t understand us). Like, did you poo in the corner.

3)    The other day I decided I wanted to do some sort of community service while I’m here, to give back to the city which has given so much to me (lolz.) So I go to inquire about all sorts of community service related things, like helping the poor by going shopping, and asking if any nerdy little Scottish kid needs a kewl American girl mentor to make her popular, etc. The lady was SO NOT HELPFUL and only gave me one suggestion: Teaching woodworking. Like WHAT. She explained how like, if I helped out with some WOODWORKING class, it would help poor children in some roundabout way. Like WHAT ABOUT ME EVEN REMOTELY SUGGESTS I WOULD BE QUALIFIED TO TEACH WOODWORKING. Is it the paint-stained overalls I frequently sport, or possibly the duck decal I was carrying in my hand when I walked into her office? Like, GIMMIE A BREAK. I try to do something decent for ONCE IN MY LIFE and this Is what I get. My life is fake.

4)    The other night, Hope was at the Big Cheese and bumped into a distraught-looking sweaty old man wearing no shirt, and she asked him where his shirt was, and he said “I lost it. Also, it wasn’t so much a ‘shirt’ as it was a ‘bin bag,’” to which she naturally responded “you mean to tell me you are looking so distraught over losing the trash bag you were wearing as a shirt?” And he started laughing at her. And everyone around her started laughing at her. Because she had said trash bag instead of big bag. Now what crazy, mixed up country are we in that the man who has lost his trash bag shirt is the one who has the last laugh?

Here are some pics of banshee damage.

Pink handprints all over the wall. Like what SUBSTANCE is that.

Empty bottle of Vodka, complete with straw. Like, who CASUALLY sips a BOTTLE OF VODKA with a STRAW. Banshees.

Remind me to wear shoes for the next fire drill (which will probably happen in the next 3 hours.) Tetanus.

Also, do you know how many chicken caesar wraps I ate the day before yesterday? Four. Also also, last night me and Lena went to the movies and you have to walk through the red light district to get to the movies (obviously) and we saw real live strippers, and real live boys getting kicked out of a strip club, and a real live giant pool of blood on the sidewalk where a real live person probably got beat up or killed. It was actually pretty frightening. Then I bought a spatula in the red light district, because I needed one and also for a weapon, if necessary.

Creature Comforts

Something that I would like to add to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is toilet paper. Honestly, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone.

In Kincaid’s court, they do not provide us with toilet paper, so we are left to fend for ourselves. As a result, many of us have turned to extreme measures, i.e. stealing toilet paper from restaurants and bars when we go out. Like, poverty. That stuff is bulky and obvious, and it’s really embarrassing when someone else in the bathroom catches you doing it, because nobody’s going to say anything, but then the bathroom power dynamic is all askew. YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME BECAUSE YOU CAN AFFORD TOILET PAPER? YOU’RE NOT.

In other news, I really want to be Abraham Lincoln for Halloween, but I feel like that would make me a prime sniping target. Which reminds me, for your viewing entertainment, I will include in this post a snipit of an email I recently received from the Middlebury abroad office referencing the terror alerts:

-Avoid traveling in groups of Americans.

-Do not speak English in public if you are in a non-English-speaking country.

-Avoid dressing in an overtly American fashion.

-Avoid areas with U.S. interests and areas associated with the U.S., such as the U.S. Embassy, American Express Office, McDonalds, Hard Rock Cafe, and other known American hangouts.

Is this a JOKE. How am I supposed to AVOID MCDONALDS. They put fudge in the McFlurrys here. Sniper no sniping!

Pictorial Evidence

Today one of the cleaning people had the AUDACITY to ask me to take one of the garbage bags down to the trash room for her. I'm sorry... is that my job? NO. IT'S YOUR JOB.

Now to be fair, she had her hands full with a lot of banshee damage. Just in case you don't believe me, here are some pics.

Battering ram, probably.

Honestly Banshees. What a waste of a perfectly good pineapple.

The hose was used to make a 5 story long beer bong. Thanks for the invite, banshees (literally. The banshees invited me to partake. I was not amused.)

You're telling ME not to be so silly?!?! You're BANSHEES for crying out loud!

I am a skilled boxer

Today Lena and I took a “boxercize” class at the gym. Hilarity ensued.

Now I have always known in my heart of hearts that I would probably be naturally good at beatin’ up bitches, and lo and behold I was right. Shocker. Lena was not as impressive as me, but lucky for her I got her back if anybody gives us trouble.

Which reminds me…

The other day, approximately 6pm, we are leisurely walking down the street to go to the movies, M-ing our own B, when we see some hippo passed out on the side of the road. Not functional. Probably sitting in her own vom, since this is Edinburgh, after all. So then we keep walking and like, 10 feet away are her ‘friends,’ who have apparently been turned away from a bar for being too drunk (or, more likely for being too dirty and yucky!!) and are yelling at the bartender trying to get back in. Like, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. YOUR FRIEND IS IN DIRE STRAITS AND YOU ARE TRYING TO GET MORE DRUNK. IT'S NOT EVEN 7PM. So Lena offhandedly says “I think your vomity friend over there is in dire need of medical attention” (or something along those lines) (which reminds me, I DO NOT KNOW THE NUMBER FOR 911 HERE AND I HAVE NEEDED TO CALL 911 A LOT OF TIMES ALREADY). We then proceed to walk away, when we hear a shrill voice behind us yell “AY! ‘AVE YOU GOT A FOCKIN OPINION?!” And we turn around to see one of the drunk rhino friends charging towards us. Honestly IS THIS THE ZOO.* Again, my fight or flight instinct kicks in (my hufflepuff tendencies are growing exponentially each day, I’m sorry to say) and I grab Lena by the arm, and we run away. I assume Rhino either got tired or fell down or something because when we turned around she was gone. Emily and Lena 1, Rhino, 0 (score based on our win, by default). It’s too bad I didn’t discover my boxercize skill before then, or else Rhino would probably definitely be in intensive care right now.

Another funny exchange that happened recently is from Hope’s birthday in Glasgow**. I bought her one of those roses from a guy off the street (mostly to make him GO AWAY). A few minutes later, Hope, being Hope, got into an intimate and sensual discussion with some drunk 13 year old boys. As they spoke, one of them casually looked down at her hand and saw the rose. His expression immediately turned to one of extreme anger and he grabbed her hand, yelling “HEY! GIVE ME THAT HICKORY STICK!”

Like… I have so many questions

1)   What is a hickory stick

2)    Why did you feel so entitled to possess that hickory stick

3)    Why are you furious

4)   What is this country, even. That is clearly a rose.


Also, WHY ARE YOU DRUNK YOU’RE ONLY 13!! YOUR LIFE IS LIKE THE MOVIE, THIRTEEN, STARRING EVAN RACHEL WOOD!

I don’t really remember if she gave him that hickory stick.


*At the Edinburgh zoo, there is a penguin parade, and the penguins only have to participate in the parade "if they want to." Welcome to the 21st century, folks.
**Don't stay in the hostel we stayed in in Glasgow. It was smelly and hot and you'll probably sweat in your sleep.
*** A HUGE pet peeve of mine is when asterisks don't lead anywhere. This often occurs on chinese restaurant menus.

In other important news, Rihanna’s “Hard” has intense new meaning for me now that I am a blogger.