I am a skilled boxer

Today Lena and I took a “boxercize” class at the gym. Hilarity ensued.

Now I have always known in my heart of hearts that I would probably be naturally good at beatin’ up bitches, and lo and behold I was right. Shocker. Lena was not as impressive as me, but lucky for her I got her back if anybody gives us trouble.

Which reminds me…

The other day, approximately 6pm, we are leisurely walking down the street to go to the movies, M-ing our own B, when we see some hippo passed out on the side of the road. Not functional. Probably sitting in her own vom, since this is Edinburgh, after all. So then we keep walking and like, 10 feet away are her ‘friends,’ who have apparently been turned away from a bar for being too drunk (or, more likely for being too dirty and yucky!!) and are yelling at the bartender trying to get back in. Like, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. YOUR FRIEND IS IN DIRE STRAITS AND YOU ARE TRYING TO GET MORE DRUNK. IT'S NOT EVEN 7PM. So Lena offhandedly says “I think your vomity friend over there is in dire need of medical attention” (or something along those lines) (which reminds me, I DO NOT KNOW THE NUMBER FOR 911 HERE AND I HAVE NEEDED TO CALL 911 A LOT OF TIMES ALREADY). We then proceed to walk away, when we hear a shrill voice behind us yell “AY! ‘AVE YOU GOT A FOCKIN OPINION?!” And we turn around to see one of the drunk rhino friends charging towards us. Honestly IS THIS THE ZOO.* Again, my fight or flight instinct kicks in (my hufflepuff tendencies are growing exponentially each day, I’m sorry to say) and I grab Lena by the arm, and we run away. I assume Rhino either got tired or fell down or something because when we turned around she was gone. Emily and Lena 1, Rhino, 0 (score based on our win, by default). It’s too bad I didn’t discover my boxercize skill before then, or else Rhino would probably definitely be in intensive care right now.

Another funny exchange that happened recently is from Hope’s birthday in Glasgow**. I bought her one of those roses from a guy off the street (mostly to make him GO AWAY). A few minutes later, Hope, being Hope, got into an intimate and sensual discussion with some drunk 13 year old boys. As they spoke, one of them casually looked down at her hand and saw the rose. His expression immediately turned to one of extreme anger and he grabbed her hand, yelling “HEY! GIVE ME THAT HICKORY STICK!”

Like… I have so many questions

1)   What is a hickory stick

2)    Why did you feel so entitled to possess that hickory stick

3)    Why are you furious

4)   What is this country, even. That is clearly a rose.


Also, WHY ARE YOU DRUNK YOU’RE ONLY 13!! YOUR LIFE IS LIKE THE MOVIE, THIRTEEN, STARRING EVAN RACHEL WOOD!

I don’t really remember if she gave him that hickory stick.


*At the Edinburgh zoo, there is a penguin parade, and the penguins only have to participate in the parade "if they want to." Welcome to the 21st century, folks.
**Don't stay in the hostel we stayed in in Glasgow. It was smelly and hot and you'll probably sweat in your sleep.
*** A HUGE pet peeve of mine is when asterisks don't lead anywhere. This often occurs on chinese restaurant menus.

In other important news, Rihanna’s “Hard” has intense new meaning for me now that I am a blogger.